Karofsky

I was watching Glee from this week, and this guy attempted suicide because someone found out he was gay. And the glee people started to talk about reasons why they should never get to that point where they wanted to take their own life, because they all had things which they wanted to live to see. I think if I had to think of mine, it would be to graduate from university, meet the perfect guy, have kids and see them grow up alongside Abys kids of course, more than anything I hope we'll still be friends when we're older. That's another thing I have to live for, growing up with Abs. We will be friends for ever. We will, I know it.

Lets get fucked up

Today was lovely, weather was nice, school wasn't too bad, and i've lost 2 pounds, haha!
DT was awkward as fuck, as per! I hate seating plans so much, normally I can talk to most people, and manage a conversation, but no.. English and maths was alright, I love maths just because there's some lovely people in my class.
My ideal school day would definitely be, Art, RE, Biology/Chemistry, PE, and then English with Mr Nicolle, him and Mr Laywood are the teachers I definitely wouldn't mind having some private lessons with. lol, erm jk...
Going Coombe Abby on Saturday with the girls, it's not meant to be as hot, but it should be a good day anyway! Then i'm going Cornwall Monday-Friday, it'll be nice to get away!

Best friends forev

When we were younger we said we'd be best friends forever, I remember thinking we'd still be friends when we were old. lol, so naive, I never even thought we wouldn't even be friends at 16. What the fuck happened? We never talk anymore, ever. I don't care how selfish and jealous i'm going to sound, but I blame him. Why did you have to get a boyfriend and just leave me on my own? Ever since you two got together it hasn't been the same, and I don't ever want it to be how it was again, because you made your choice, so you can stick with it, when he goes to university and you're all on your own again, you can just fuck off, so fuck you, I hate you, I HATE YOU

Its been such a fat day

I need to lose some weight, how can I wear shorts in the summer when my legs looks like this? Omg. Extreme dieting and intense exercise starts tomorrow!
Hopefully i'll be in a better mood tomorrow, all today i've been feeling quite shit. But a good day normally follows a bad, yay!

Im so drunk

I'm a little bit wasted, but that's because I've been doing the pub doing the monthly quiz! It's such a gooooody night, i love it! There's always this really hot guy there like every single month, he's actually the most attractive guy i've ever met in my whole life! But he has a girlfriend and they've moved in together recently with suck penis. He's so lovely aswell, and he has piercings and tattoos, and he's just perfect and if I could I would marry him. Or just have sex with him, either one i'd be perfectly happy with
His gf isn't even that nice, she's quite prim too, like what even? Every time I see him I actually just love him, omg marry me, i love ya!
There was quite a few attractive people at the pub tonight actually, aw, they're all so lovely too. Jo was like 'hotty at 2'Oclock!' so embarrassing! Hahahahahaha, I love her, She's so fun!
I think that when i've had a few couple of drinks I realise how much I miss Jared and I try to put him to the back of my mind but he still manages to creep forward to the front of my mind,, what a hoe, omg I miss him, cry

I need Ibuprofen

Today was horrible, I wish I never went into school. The only amusing thing was going to the nurse with Aby, and we had to put condoms on some fake penis.. Quite funny yet embarrassing as the same time!
I just had people asking if I was ok all day, and my mouth did ache, but I didn't want the attention so I just said I was alright! Really, really regret going into school. Lemon mouth is still here!
I also just went to see 'The hunger games' avec my siblings, it was an amazing movie, but really disturbing. Like I know it was only a movie, but still, that would just never happen it was just so weird.. Just the concept of the movie was weird. The actual movie was good though!

Lemon mouth

My mouth is like a small lemon, except normal lip colour, not yellow. After the operation on Wednesday i've been on a nice balanced diet of painkillers and soup/yoghurts! But, anyway, got to the hospital at 8 on Wednesday, and went down for the operation at about half 11, so that wasn't too bad because 3 younger kids went down before me. The anaesthetic was so weird! I remember he put this needle in my hand and he put some fluid in it, and then they put an oxygen mask on me. I was looking up and kept concentrating on a light, and tried to fight falling asleep.. Didn't really work though. When I woke up I had no idea were I was and I had to proper think about what had happened before, it was the most strangest feeling!
I had today off school, but will probably go back in tomorrow, Aby came over tonight equipped with Ben & Jerry's, she knows me so well, and said she couldn't really tell it about my mouth, so i'll probably go school tomorrow! Can't really afford to have much more time off, I worry too much about falling behind.
It was quite nice to have today off though, as I was with my nan all day, we just talk about anything, and nan even wanted to watch the inbetweeners movie, bless! I love her so much.
I had people texting me yesterday/today asking how I was and stuff, I only told like... 3? People as well, so they might've asked Aby were I was.. But anyway, it was actually nice knowing that people cared.

Omfg

What really annoys me is when someone doesn't trust me, I don't think people trust me, so why should I trust them? Yep, that's how it works. Don't ask me if i'm alright expecting me to pour my heart out to you, when you would never let me know what's wrong with you, you would never tell me anything! Ok fuck you, you've annoyed me so much. Why should I trust you, why?! Omg, i'm getting upset over some fucking hoe, i'm actually done with both of you.

I feel sick just thinking about tomorrow, been in a bad mood all day knowing that tomorrow I have to have that operation. At lunch I just wanted to cry, so I just sat in art with Lauren feeling like shit. I'm so scared.

It's been an over all bad day, the worst day i've had in such a long time.

Skins tonight yay!

Was just talking to my great-nan about her experience in the Coventry blitz, like seriously, it's weird doing that in history and then my nan just talking about it like it's nothing.
I'm so glad my nan's stopping with us for a bit, i love her so much and I have no idea what i'd do if anything at all ever happened to her!
Also, there was a cancelation in the day ward so now i've got my operation on Wednesday. Omfg, :(

Last night was perfection

Last night was amazing. I went to see you me at six with Abs, I can't even explain how good they were! Me, Abs, my sister and her friend queued for 3 hours just so we could get to the front, and there was really no point us waiting that long, because Dan and Becky went on the balcony, and me and Abs went out half-way through, and still got back to were we originally were!
Anyway... me and Aby ended up being with like Jess & Amy and their friends, which I didn't mind because I looooooooove them and I sort of knew their friends, Aby didn't really know them though.. but seemed to get on with them alright, and said when we came out how nice she thought Jess and Amy were, aw!
Mayday parade, KIGH and some random band were supporting which was decent, we came out halfway through KIGH though because everyone was like pushing to get to the front, like not even good pushing like Nero, it was like we were all sardines, and there was this major fat girl behind us! eurgh. When we came out we were with Amy and Jess until YMAS come on, it was nice seeing them out of school because they're so lovely, and I get on well with them.
Abs really didn't enjoy being squashed I don't think, bless her. Like she always says afterwards how good it was, but in the moment, I don't think she enjoyed it that much! That was only for the support though, as soon as YMAS came on she was loving it! I just love you me at six. not even because I love Josh, but because I just love the whole band, and they're music is so beautiful. I cried so much during the while performance, specially during Crash, fireworks and no one does it better! So, so beautiful.
It was such a good night, I did really love it! But I don't know if i preferred Nero more?... The atmosphere was better at Nero, whereas at YMAS it was just a bunch of kids trying to create moshes and failing at crowd surfing, bless them. STILL AN AMAZING NIGHT THOUGH.

you can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness

'now and then I think of when we were together,
like when you said you were so happy you could die'

It hasn't even been a month and I want to do it again? seriously, I need to get over this.
I've been so emotional today, I was so tried and shitty in the morning, and the by lunch I was in such an amazing mood, me and Abs were having a laugh, like we never seem to laugh as much together as we used too? It sounds so stupid, bu we used to be so close, like so close, and now... I wouldn't even say we were best friends. I mean, we are, but not how best friends are supposed to be. Anyway, I was perfectly fine until about an hour ago, now I feel like I could just cry, and I don't think I'd ever stop. I just keep thinking about him, and how he's with her, and I try to be happy for him but I'm too selfish. I always think I'm over him. Like yesterday, I blogged about how much I liked some other guy, but I think I love him? 'you never realise what you have until it's gone'
I'll be fine, In an hour I'll probably be in the best mood :)

I just miss him so much

I'm a mess and you know that I can't help it

Such a cute day. I said in a blog a while ago that I kind of liked this guy, but I went off him, and now... omg, I love like him. He's so genuine and lovely and funny and in Maths him and Phil turned around so they were on our table, and he started singing no one does it better, and I thought, If I ask him if he likes You me at six, and he replies, 'who are they?' I would've actually punch him in the face, or just been annoyed for a while. ;) But he was like, 'yeah, they're amazing!' Then we started talking about YMAS' previous albums and I must of been smiling like a right twat, because it was such a good Maths lesson, and I can't remember the last time I enjoyed maths! He also loves piercings and tattoos, and he said he likes my piercings and that they suit me, i will take that as a compliment even if it wasn't intended to be one, haha! He asked me if I had my clit pierced?! Like, seriously? I think he was about to say something about it, but then the teacher interrupted, but, omg lol.
Later on, I had History with him too, and we exchanged smiles across the room. Aw, babes.
Last night I was thinking about my exams, and I realised I'm only worried about maths, History, chem, phys, bio, English lang retake and English lit. Even though that's the majority of my exams?

yeah, going to end this pointless post now.
ALSO, he has a six pack, and is quite muscly! and, he watches Geordie shore and was well jel when I told him I'd met Gaz, he also said he was jel I was going to see YMAS on Saturday. aw, so perfect.

Nothing would ever happen between us, but I'm ok with that.

Ranting, ignore me

Why do people take pictures of their cuts and put them on tumblr? Does it help them cope with their issues? Probably not. Does it make them feel better about themselves? No, it probably fucking doesn't! It just annoys me so so so so so so so much, like omg, I don't even know why.
I'm probably being a bit hypocritical, (well no actually i'm not) but I just think it's for attention. I feel sorry for them, and It does make me feel sad when I see the pictures and how could that picture be helping anybody at all?
The pictures just make other people sad, and why would whoever posted that picture want to see their cuts every time they go on their blog? Having them on your body every time you look at your leg/hip/wrist/whatever, you would imagine being bad enough.

Ok, rant over

Happy pie day!

Having a day off school was nice, being in the hospital for 4 hours wasn't so nice. Got to have the operation on May 2nd, 2 days before my birthday, that will also suck.
I really wanted to go London for my birthday as well, might just have to delay it for a while.
Today I realised how much I hate hospitals, and how stupid i'm going to look wearing one of those hospital gowns, hahahaha! Oh golly

Tuesday is Koosday

I feel like such a shit person, why do I over think things which I shouldn't even care about?
I'm getting worried about this blog, there's so many things I want to say but i'm too conscious someone I even slightly know will see it.. Or judge me, or think i'm some stupid girl who needs to get a grip, well i'm all gripped up. So, erm, fuck you fuck you fuck you I don't care

Hospital tomorrow, so worried.
Jfudiemfvehjgk, that is all.

NEROOOOOOOO.

I went to see Nero last night, and that's been all I've been thinking about all day! it was just.. amazing! When we first got there, they had just opened the doors, so the que was still massive, and when we were walking past the que there was SO many people from school, and I was just hoping I wouldn't see any of them in there, but of course I did! By the end of the support act we were only a couple of rows from the front, but we wanted to be a bit further back because we wanted to be in the place with the best moshes! But, as soon as Nero came on we were right in the mosh! I just love it, me and Jord were right in there, but Abs and Hannah didn't really want to go in.. don't really blame them tbh! It was cray-zay.
We were near these two guys for most of the time when Nero was on, so we just ended up getting pushed into them, but I wasn't complaining! They were actually quite hot, aw so lovely. Because the speakers were like amazing, when you wanted to talk to them you had to get so close, and then you got even more close because everyone was moshing around you, I felt like Jord and that were like watching me, and if I had've got with him they wouldn't stop going on about it, probably best I didn't, because I would most deffinitely regret it today! Me and jord were dancing with them and I think abs and Han got a bit annoyed because we were in the mosh, and not with them, wasn't exactly our fault though? don't see why we should hold back, haha. Quite impressed that we didn't get split up! I wish I could re-live last night, I sort of will on Saturday when I go see YMAS but it won't be the dub vibe, it'll be like... differant?
I just love waking up in the morning with loads of bruises, aching all over, my clothes being ripped and my shoes are completely wrecked and I don't even care because of how amazing the night was!
I WANT TO GO BACK.

WITHOUT LOVE

I've had the most cheesiest song stuck in my head ALL day! It's called without love, and it's from Hairspray! It's so cute, but also the worst, most cringey song ever! Haha, there's a video of me dancing to it which i'm sure everyone would love to see, so I might upload it, lol, funny!
Just thought i'd blog to let you all know that, ok, bye, ly XOX

'Like a week that's only Mondays
Only ice cream, never sundaes
Like a circle with no center
Like a door marked "do not enter!"'

Contacts?

CONTACTS, woop, woo, yay, woo!

It's my brothers birthday party today, so my house is full of 12 year old children. djfhdkjbeubsgjckbsnmdbs, it's gonna' be a shit day. BUT. It's Nero tomorrow, and that's going to be amazing! Going to have 'pre-drinks' with Aby, so we don't feel the pain o being in a mosh! ;)

The hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay

Today's been ok. We got our results back from the exams in January, which was the three sciences, I got 2 A's in Biology and Chemistry, and then a B in Physics which i'm so annoyed about because I was only 1 mark off an A, but, it's still a B. Everyone else was like, 'oh yeah I only got about 3483908403874 A*'s so disapointed.. I could've done better', like, obviously I am happy or them! but, why do they have to be so clever? In my science class I just feel like some total loser compared to everyone else!
As soon as I got the results I went to find Aby and got her to tell me what I got, I didn't even want to know. But, after the stress of that was over, the day turned pretty good! Had a laugh at lunch which makes a change to the past couple of days, and the bus home was even enjoyable!
Got my hair cut too, hoping no one will tell the differance though because that means that the length isn't much shorter! The last time I got my hair cut was before christmas, so my ends were ruined after all the straightening, and the hairdresser said that one side of my hair had 'broke' and was like majorly shorter than the other, so basically, my hair had been pulled so much by the straighteners it had like stopped growing because the ends were literally dead!

Don't know wether to go into school tomorrow or not... don't want to be asked what I got in the exams. omg, why do I even care?

STOP KONY

I just watched the 'make kony famous' video, and I can't even stress how much everyone should go watch it and help make kony famous! I can't get my head around how this can happen today? It makes me so frustrated that there's nothing major that I can even do to make an impact on this situation and try to change things! Just, please, go and watch the video and share it!

Feels like you loved him more than he loved you, and you wish you nevermet

It's been an awful day, awful, awful, awful, awful, yeah.. Quite bad.
I just can't get over him. No matter how much I try, I think it's probably impossible. I sound like some fucking soppy twat and I hate it, I don't get attached to people, but I did. Now there's a 99.999999% chance he's in love with her, and, every time I see them together I just want to cry, yeah, loving life
Sorry, my blog's so whiny!

But, anyway. going to make my blog less about shit things now, and more about like, amazing things!
so, erm... yeah. Going to see Nero on Sunday, and then You me at six/mayday parade/KIGH a week on Saturday! SO EXCITED! Also, I've lost 2 pounds, hahahahaha, such an achievement. And my nan's getting better, so yes, life is actually good!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

Today's been an overall good day, my baby brothers birthday, the big 13! So, that means every ones been happy at home, which is great. My lessons weren't that bad, and even French was reasonable, managed to sustain a conversation with someone who is not my most favourite person, even though the conversation was about her sex life with her boyfriend- something I'd rather not picture. auihscbuscsdk.
I had a decent gym workout, and there was SO many hot guys in there today, but also so many skinny girls! I just feel like punching them in the face. Why are they there? They're perfect already!
Managed to get my contacts in, AND OUT! Which is a major accomplishment, I'm probably going to wear them to Nero now!
Today's been good. Today's been good. Today's been good.

Miss these girls, specially Harris. XOXOXO

Love may make you blind kid, but I wouldnt mind at all

I hate my weight so, so badly. Like I always think people see me as being fat, not really majorly fat, but not skinny at all. I just want to be skinny, and not be conscious of anything and to be able to stand next to someone and to not be constantly thinking I wish I had their legs or their arms, or stomach or their figure in general.
I need to either lose weight, or get more confidence, tbh, losing weight is a more reasonable choice...

If they stop needing you, i'll still need you my dear

Went to Hannah's meal tonight, nice to catch up with my girls, and I also LOVE getting ready, like curling my hair, choosing what to wear, and just being able to feel pretty! Absolutely stuffed now though, will have to have a major gym workout in the week!
Had a clear out today and now my rooms nice and tidy!
My nan's out of Hospital and my mum took her to stay in Blackpool for a while to see that side of the family, i'm glad she's getting better, like, so glad!

Shake it out

Why does my mum think i'm some clever, amazing, can do anything she wants kind of girl? I'm not clever, not in the slightest. Why put pressure on me to be successful? I'm not going to do anything worth while in my whole entire life. I highly doubt i'll even be alive when i'm.. 25? Fuck sake, of course I will be, what am I even saying? Idk, I really, really don't want a future. I know i'll just be a mess, my life will just be empty, and.. Shit.
The future scares me so much, like so, so much!

I need to get a grip, my life's not that bad. Not thaaaaaaat bad, not really.

GAZGAZGAZGAZ

Met Gaz from Geordie shore today, yeah, no biggy... OH WAIT. Such an amazing day! Just casually walking round high cross, when I see the love of my life, the hottest man alive. Hmdliwisdlfiejskakgdkskxiicks,

There's this perfect guy in my maths class, but I know nothing would ever happen. But I don't even care, he's just so lovely! He just moved in front of me and he started conversation straight away, I didn't even care that we hadn't spoken before, and I wasn't even worried about it being awkward. (even though he's in my history) But, he has a few piercings and wants a couple of tattoos when he's older, and aw, he's such a cutie pie.
I'm glad i'm pretty much over someone now, even though I'm probably not.. I'm so bad with admitting things to myself. Like, i know even if he split up with his girlfriend, nothing would happen. I just wouldn't let it, but nothing would happen. Seriously, Nothing. Probably, erm, nothing?
It's bad how I want him to be single for Jords party, just so I can have a few drinks and talk to him, probably get with him too. But, I miss him :(